Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

How I wish I could excise these memories and those paralyzing, gut-wrenching emotions they seem perpetually to evoke. How much more unhindered, unshackled, would our lives be without these festering wounds, these artifacts of times long past, that linger in the backdrop of our consciousness? Of course, of course, these spiritual eviscerators serve as cautionary reminders of what it means to be "doing it wrong". But, what of times when they are intent on intruding arrogantly into those private spaces where they have no place, when those knives have seemingly forgotten their context and begin to enact their gruesome massacre upon the undeserving? They are merciless and, tragically, inevitable. Like my own shadow do they follow me, stalk me, cruelly. And though I run with all my breath, all my might, I cannot escape that eventual end. Slowly bearing down, knowing fully that its approach is fully known, savouring even the apprehension that comes before the insidious act. As it takes hold of my mind, it sends its corrupting roots into the very core of my being where it binds tightly. And there I ... am ... and, flail as I may and wish as I may to extirpate this vile growth, I am powerless. And, so, it is here that I must be still, awaiting for the violence to end, until the noose is lifted so that I may breathe once again.

How happy is the blameless vestal's lot! 
The world forgetting, by the world forgot. 
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind! 
Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd;

TCB

All throughout that interminable commute I was plotting the words I would use in what was supposed to be a cathartic post about these feelings of meaninglessness and impotence that have been creeping up on me for the past bit. I was going to draw similarities of how I am right now and the person I was five years ago: how I go to sleep and wake up in the same bed, how I walk down the same streets everyday, actually, I'm still volunteering with some of the same people at the same soup kitchen as five years ago.

But, something happened on the walk back that, though in itself wouldn't necessarily have meaning, did bring on a momentary sense of comfort.

I was listening to Starálfur by Sigur Rós, which starts with the lyrics "blue night over me". Of course, I was singing with it because it's one of the few ways I know how to relieve my stress effectively, but that's unimportant. So midway through the song, I hear the familiar calls of the beloved Canadian Goose. I look up and, sure enough, there's a flock flying right over me in the classic V formation. And, in the backdrop, was the dark blue shade of the clear evening sky with a gracious guest appearance of our moon.

In itself, it doesn't mean much. Geese flying over me doesn't push me to drastically alter my previous way of thinking. But I guess it does help to put into perspective. The world is bigger. And, even though I might not feel like I am where I want to be right now, there's an entire beautiful world of possibilities out there and, one day, hopefully, I'll be able to explore that beauty.

But, for now, I guess I'll continue (fortunately, less begrudgingly now) to take care of business (as I do everyday).